


Desperate Measures

by orphan_account



Category: Hidden Block (Video Blogging RPF)
Genre: Grinding, M/M, Smut, Strong sexual content, brutalhamster, cursing, james is there for some reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 01:52:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6403813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian and James get into an argument over whether aphrodisiac pills even work. James says yes. Ian says no. Ian gets a package in the mail the next week, and Jeff gets a headache.</p><p>Damn you James.</p><p>Title from Desperate Measures by Marianas Trench.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desperate Measures

**Author's Note:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS IS JUST PORN STRAIGHT UP PORN I HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR THIS
> 
> they always say push ur boundaries so here i am forgive me lord for i have sinned 
> 
> if jeff and or ian found this id cry for hours and leave the internet forever so yeah dont share this or show them please please its just for fun respect my requests please 
> 
> also,, if u wanted to know, yes. i am like the only person on the planet that draw brutalhamster so if you've seen a shitty bham drawing it was probably mind

"You're fucking insane dude, that shit works as well as faith medicine or-"

"Sexual healing?"

James cut in, laughing and chortling through his webcam, Ian looking irritated on the other end.

"One time! It was one time James!" The older snapped, while Caddy simply held his stomach in laughter. "Atleast I've never been stupid enough to take magic boner pills."

James wiped a tear from his eye and leaned over his keyboard, as if he was going to whisper a secret to Ian over fucking skype.

"I'm telling you Ian, it's some freaky voodoo shit- but it works! I'm telling you. Never had that much endurance in my life." James smirked, crossing his arms and nodding his head. Ian contorted his face into a disgusted look.

"I can go without your bedroom habits, thanks."

"Then why'ja ask?"

"You brought it up you asshole!" Ian flung his arms into the air, while simultaneously swiping his brunette bangs in an almost elegant fashion. Caddy just continued laughing.

"Fine, don't believe me? You will. Then you tell me who's the sex wizard." The Englishman glared, sporting his freaky smile and terrifiying eyes. Ian grimaced.

"You worry me, James." He said, half facetious, half serious.

"And what would out friendship be if I didn't?" James smiled. Ian smiled back, but still not neglecting the fact James had essentially told him to take sex pills and report the results, not like that would ever happen. Ian was confident enough in his bangin' abilities to not rely on medicinal aides. Actually, he felt a little sleazy for thinking that. It's not like Ian had done a lot of "bangin'" as of the late.

He shrugged it off and wished James a goodnight, knowing he didn't want to keep his roommate up with all their talk about "performance" enhancing drugs.

  
-

  
The sun grazed Ian and Jeff's small apartment, trees and flowers all whistling in the Seattle spring. About 4 days had passed and Ian had completely disregarded James' and his little talk days prior. He assumed James was fucking with his head, telling him he'd find out or some dumb shit.

And then the mail came, and Ian was gifted some discrete package adressed from overseas. He didn't connect the dots until he was staring at a small bottle with writing that looked...German maybe? Polish? Whatever the language, Ian knew exactly what it was. He was going to kill James the next time they met. _In cold. Goddamn. Blood._

He cringed at the sight of the bottle, stuffing it in his hoodie pocket, so he could throw it into his medicine cabinet later. It's not like he was ever going to use them, but he figured James spent money on them and Ian was an asshole, yeah, but he wasn't a cheap asshole.

The pills ended up on the second shelf of his medicine cabinet, not thinking twice about them and hoping that maybe when PRGE rolls around again he can regift them back to James as revenge or...something.

-

Jeff wasn't usually prone to bad headaches, and found himself blaming it on "pollen count" or something he saw on the Weather Channel.

Ian lounged in his desk chair, spinning lazily before a knock disrupted his whirling stupidity.

"Yo...Ian." Jeff stepped into the door frame, his index and middle fingers pressed into his temple. "I ah, have a bad headache. D'you have any, uh, like...Advil?" Ian thought for a second, remembering a few Advil pills and some liquid tylenol he kept in his bathroom.

"Yeah, my bathroom in the cabinet, bottom shelf. There's some stuff there." Ian mused, not thinking much about the other contents in his cabinet.

"Thanks." Jeff groaned, closing the door behind him. Ian felt himself dozing off, wondering if he needed another morning coffee. Or afternoon coffee...or evening coffee.

Hours passed and Ian was finally able to finish both a short livestream and a new Televoid all in time for him to relax for the weekend before he had to get back on the old grind again. Strangely, the last few hours seemed quiter. Usually Jeff would pop in to play Smash Brothers or bring him lunch or just shoot the shit when neither of them were working, yet Jeff had been quiet the entire afternoon, well into sunset and dusk.

The younger of the roommates made his way to the kitchen, fashioning himself a nutritional dinner of a spoon of peanut butter. He stood idle in the kicthen for several minutes, wondering where his life had gone, licking peanut butter off of a spoon in his kicthen.

His deep snacking session was interrupted by a loud thump down the hallway. Ian sat the spoon down and whipped around in an almost neck-breaking fashion. Jeff's door opened slowly as the older stepped into the living room. He didn't look very bad, at the least it appeared that his headache had gone away. Jeff almost looked glowing, until he placed a palm on his face and groaned.

"Feeling better?" Ian questioned, concern flowing through his words. He moved towards Jeff, crossing his arms, almost defensively. "Maybe you should drink some water-"

Ian's heath teacher lecture was cut short by another Jeff ambience, yet this time it wasn't as much abhorrence as it was...arousal?

Ian went still at the sound, wondering if Jeff even meant to make a sound with such risqué implications. Jeff simply bit his nails, pacing as if he had ice shoved down his back, with little twitches and short breaths.

"D-do I have a fever? D-do I look sick to you...?" Jeff breathed out, leaning closer to Ian. Ian was taken aback, leaning away from Jeff, before placing the back of his hand on Jeff's forehead.

"You don't feel warm. Just kind of clammy and..." He stopped to clear his throat. "sweaty...?"

Jeff's cheeks were flushed red, his eyes half lidded as if he was in a trance. His legs rubbed against eachother in a spastic fashion, shaking slightly. The more Ian looked at Jeff, the more he looked less sick and more...

 _No fucking way_.

"Jeff... I said take the pills on the bottom shelf." Ian's heart was pounding. Even if he did take the pills, those things weren't supposed to work, right?

"B-bottom shelf...? You...you said top shelf! Fuck dude, I had a headache I didn't know what you were saying!"

Jeff smacked his back into the wall, cupping his face in his hands. "What did I take...? I'm not dying... right?"

 _Yeah, no. I just gave you some weird crazy sexual enhancers that James sent me as a joke so sorry that you're horny as fuck right now_.

Ian had never felt more embarassed in his life. "I, uh. I'll tell you but you have to answer this first." He bit his lip. "Are you...um." Ian didn't want to say it. At all. He shifted his eyes to Jeff's jeans before meeting his confused expression again. Jeff blushed even harder, which neither of them thought was even possible.

"W-well...l-look I... i-it's um, I can.... I w-won't..." Jeff's stuttering was almost sad. "F-focus on the topic, you perv!" Ian wanted to be offended but he just couldn't believe what situation he had got himself into.

"That is the topic you idiot! I-I had these weird aphrodisiac meds in ny cabinet because James said they worked and I said they didn't so he sent them to me as some weird prank and I didn't think-" Ian panted, his chest feeling like lead in his body.

Instead of retaliating in anger, Jeff just stood, baffled.

"You gave me sex pills?"

Ian slammed his face into his hands, groaning. "I-I'm sorry! But I said bottom shelf you deaf asshole!" Ian yelled, feeling more stressed out than annoyed. Jeff simply sighed, looking at Ian with eyes that would have him on the ground in an instant if it wasn't for the context.

"All right. Then if you're being honest, I will too. One. I hate you and you're an idiot for keeping that-this shit. And two," Jeff arched his back off the wall in such a fashion it made Ian feel like he needed to bathe in ice cold holy water. "I feel like a goddamn dog in heat." Jeff moaned.

 _Moaned_.

Ian could feel the heat creeping into his gut, and considered running out the door and leaving for a few days, but decided that he wouldn't get very far since excersize was on a long list of things he wouldn't do. Things he would do, though- apparently his roommate, who was basically teasing him at this point.

"I m-mean... we can take you to a bar or something and I mean you've got a functioning hand-"

"You want me to sleep with a stranger or jack off alone?" Jeff sighed heavily, making Ian feel like nothing but pure sin again.

"I mean, at this point you might as well." The younger shrugged. Jeff moved towards Ian tantalizingly slow, before pressing his hands to Ian's chest. Ian pushed the older off of him, not because he didn't want to- _oh god_ did he want to, he wanted to for so goddamn long- but because he knew Jeff would regret this.

"Dude. I know you're like, fogged up with sex right now but I'll help you out and remind you that you're straight." Ian had trouble getting the words out, shaking hands finding their way onto Jeff's chest, pressing him further away. Clearly his body wanted the opposite but his mind was like hey don't be a dick.

Jeff had other plans though, he dragged his hand into Ian's collar, popping a button open in the process while he shoved him into his bedroom door. Ian felt helpless and fuck- he loved it. Not that'd he'd admit it, but Jeff was essentially his middle school crush. He loved everything about him and this felt like a goddamn genie wish.

"Straight, gay, boy, girl, toaster- I'm at the point where I don't really care." Jeff sighed hotly onto Ian's neck. Ian stifled a moan and squirmed gently under Jeff's weight. The older male brushed the door handle with his fingertips, before pushing it open at just enough of an angle to slam Ian's back into the remaning gap to shove him onto the bed.

"J-just help me...p-please." Jeff whimpered. Ian was in a genuine state of shock, he had never seen anyone- let alone Jeff- in such a desperate state. Ian's throat tensed up. His mind was swimming with questions about the morality of his actions, but in the end it was his dick that won that battle as soon as Jeff latched his lips onto his collarbone.

"Please...?" Jeff groaned again. Ian was only human. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to contain his...excitement.

"Fine. If I have to." Ian tried his best to add as much sarcasm as possible, but Jeff simply laughed.

"Drop that attitude, it doesn't work, especially when I can feel how hard you are right now." Jeff smirked. Ian had never heard Jeff say anything nearly this vulgar in his life, and oh _jesus fuck_ Ian thinks he might've finally found his kink. Jeff's sex voice- is that a kink?

Jeff pulled at Ian's belt, throwing it across the room before palming his length through his now painfully tight boxers. Ian let out one of the most gutteral moans he had ever head, out of anyone, let alone himself.

"O-okay, okay, f-fine... I... I want you do whatever you want with me." Ian moaned, rutting his hips up into Jeff's hand. "Ah, f-fuck me!"

Jeff leaned up from planting bites and hickeys onto Ian's neck. "Is that an invitation?" He smiled, all too innocently for someone who was about to bang his roommate.

Jeff unbuttoned Ian's purple flannel, not yet removing it, but had it draped loosely over Ian's pale body. Suprisingly enough, in body types, Jeff was incredibly thin. Every bone and rib was accentuated underneath his skin, his hips wide and perfect for- y'know. Adult stuff.

They had shed their jeans and had already into desperately grinding against eachother.

"What do you want?" Jeff's breath hicthed particularly hard when Ian had been extra rough in his sex-driven grinding.

"What are we playing, twenty questions? For fucks sake Jeff, I'm basically naked on your bed, use your imagination." Jeff faked a frown before giggling. Even when he was rough and aroused, Jeff was still cute as hell.

Jeff licked his lips, nervous about how to even go about this with another guy. Ian didn't care, clearly. Jeff was getting him off and that was good enough for him.

Jeff and Ian exchanged pants and moans for a few seconds, grinding into eachother like the world depended on it.

"I'm..." Ian couldn't form a coherent sentence. He felt like his whole body was on fire, with their underwear shed he had nothing seperate him from Jeff. Jeff. The Jeff he had been basically fawning over for the last year. His smile, his laugh, and now he could add the way he fucked Ian on the long list of things he liked about Jeff.

"I..Nngh, f-fuck!" Ian felt his head go blank, hearing Jeff's quiet pants and huffs on his neck.

"If you're coming...say my name." Jeff heaved, stoic and thick. Jeff had essentially clawed and bit at every inch of skin Ian had, so he supposed that screaming his name was the last thing Jeff needed to feel like Ian was really his.

"Jeff! F-fuck I...nngh...Jeff!" Ian felt all his built up tension release at that moment. Jeff followed shortly after, moaning Ian's name like a fucking pornstar, which didn't help Ian in the slightest about his giant crush situation.

The two laid in the afterglow, shallow breaths and a few scoffs here and there from Ian echoed against the walls.

"That was okay, I guess." Ian said. Jeff shrugged and laughed.

"That's fine. I won't ask you again." The older man winked.

"I...I was kidding." Ian frowned. Jeff leaned in to connect their lips. Even though they had just essentially had sex with eachother, this was their first "real" kiss. It was slow and simple, Jeff's stuble against Ian's and Jeff's dumb smile remained even when they locked lips. The two simply drifted off into light slumber, dealing with the aftermath when it rolls around.

-

James skyped rang.

"What's up Moosey?" He teased.

"So I have an update on those stupid pills." Ian said, little to no emotion resonating from his statement.

"And...? Was I right or was I right?" James chanted, exasperated.

"I didn't actually take them." Ian shrugged. James looked dissapointed. "Someone else did." Caddy furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"And uh, according to him-" Ian smiled as another voice in the room finished the sentence for him.

"They work. They definitely work."

Needless to say Caddicarus never tried to help Brutalmoose out with his love life again. He also never looked at SpaceHamster the same way.


End file.
